I'm a Quitter

I'm a perfectionist in a lot of ways.  I hate to be anything less than the best at anything I attempt.  To top it off, I pretty much refuse to admit defeat.  I would rather be fired from a job than quit, be dumped than break up with someone...you get the idea.
And then I started breastfeeding...
With Colton, we had lots of problems...he wouldn't latch on, he was losing lots of weight, my milk wasn't coming in...so I pretty much had to stop breastfeeding before I really even started.  Throughout my pregnancy with Levi, then, I kind of assumed the same thing would happen...I would try it for a few days, it wouldn't work, and then we would switch to the bottle, therefore avoiding the guilt of not having tried or quitting.  But lo and behold, Levi immediately took to breastfeeding and was thriving on it.
One would assume that all was perfect, but there was one major problem...I hated breastfeeding.  This is where this post borders on taboo because I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to admit that, but I did.  Everyone says how much more convenient breastfeeding is, but I found it to only be convenient to everyone but the feeder (me)!  I found it beyond frustrating to have to spend at least a half hour every two hours on my couch.  By the time I finished one session and got the boys ready, we only had a small window of time before we had to be back home for the next (for the record I'm not really the breastfeed in public type...I don't begrudge anyone who is, but it's just not my style).    I was becoming resentful of how much time and energy it was taking to feed this child...a task that was basically relegated just to me because, well, that's the nature of the breastfeeding beast, and how restricting that lifestyle was.  Not only was my time effected, but my time with Colton was restricted as well.
Then there was the whole sleep issue.  For those of you not familiar with this stuff, breast milk doesn't keep a baby full as long as formula.  Over the course of the day, that can be frustrating.  But at night, when sleep is already at a premium, it is downright infuriating.  The possibility of actually getting 3 straight hours of sleep was pretty tempting.
Plus, I was quite frankly very sick of having my diet/lifestyle/alcohol intake restricted...after 10 months of sacrificing, I was very ready to get back to just being me.  I wanted to drink coffee and not worry about if it was too much caffeine, or not panic when eating tuna wondering if the same rules of pregnancy apply if you are breastfeeding, and yes, even have a glass of wine without having to test my milk, pump in advance, or heck even have as much wine as I wanted because it wouldn't matter.
Over the course of the first month or so of Levi's life, I kept secretly hoping that something would go wrong with the breastfeeding to give me a justification for stopping.  But it never came, so last week....

I QUIT!!!

I feel a little guilty even typing it because the common belief out there is that a woman is supposed to want to/enjoy/commit to breastfeeding her child, or at least that's the one you hear and read all the time.  

But here's the deal...I love my child more than life itself.  I want the very best for him in every sense possible.  And part of giving him the very best is giving him the very best me that I can.  The stress and resentment I was feeling with breastfeeding were not benefiting either of us (or Colton or Josh for that matter).  So, I did what was best for us....and already feel 1000% freer and happier because of it.

***I wrote this not to spark a debate on the merits of breastfeeding or not...I firmly believe everyone has to do what is best for them, and no one else can or should judge.  My intent was to document my own journey and to also give voice to the others (who are hopefully out there?) who didn't necessarily find breastfeeding success.  With the success stories dominating, I figured I would share mine to give support to those in a similar boat.***